By Maggie Lange
It’s called Coffiest. It’s the latest product from Soylent, the company famous for their meal-replacement powders, and this one seems to be coming for your stand morning needs (food + caffeine). It’s delivered in a conveniently sized bottle (13.5 ounces) and made primarily of soy powder, algal oil, and coffee (basically Soylent coffee). Coffiest is vegan, lactose-free, nut-free, and also how I described a cold to my pediatrician at age seven.
My ideal breakfast is a bagel, with modifications (a fried egg) if I am hung over, and black coffee. My normal breakfast is a bagel and a black coffee because I live the life I want to, and I’m afraid of dying without having consumed enough bagels. Coffiest does nothing to quell this mentality.
In the hierarchy of morning needs—caffeine, enough calories to stave off lunch feelings, convenience, taste—Coffiest fulfills three of the four adequately. I did not wait in line to acquire it. I didn’t even buy it because my editor gave it to me [Ed note: lol yes, “gave” and not “imposed upon”]. My first lunch feeling was around 10:37am (that means I simply remembered the lunch existed), my first pang of lunch hunger clocked around 12:15 pm. The price is also relatively appealing, if it’s compared to anything more than a piece of toast and a large deli coffee ($3.09). I did not feel sick, nauseous, tired, or spacey. In this way, it’s better than having no breakfast at all.
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